A Legend of No Plot Christmas
by Dee1
Summary: Wow. I just don't know when to quit, do I? I figured I should do something for Christmas. So here it is. Hurrah! R&R if ya want. Reviews make me feel looooooved!


Authors Note: Cliché Plot + Really bad jokes + Christmas spirit = This fanfic.  
  
Basically that's all this is. I think I'm started to get a bit... What's the word... Annoying? Oh well. The plot is most likely overused, but oh well. It's better than the one I originally had in mind. I kinda rushed towards the end. Wanted to get this done BEFORE Christmas, ya know. :D Obviously takes place sometime after "The Legend With An Even Worse Plot".   
  
Kee. You wanted to be in this... So you are. YAAAAAAAAAY!  
  
I'm done. Can it be...? My authors note isn't unnecessarily long?! AMAZING!  
  
Happy holdiays everyone, from this annoying humorist!   
  
  
A Legend of No Plot Christmas  
  
('Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the inn, not a creature was stirring...)  
  
Haschel: Stupid antacid... Where is it?!  
  
(Except for old man Haschel, who had heart burn within.)  
  
Haschel: Mock me, will you narrator?! ...OW! (Clutches his chest.) NEED TUMS!! NEED TUMS NOW!  
  
(Right... Everyone else is asleep, the "intelligent" ones actually in the rooms where they should be. Kongol, Meru, and Dee, however, are sleeping down in the lobby...)  
  
*Note* I guess you would call it that...? o_O Yes? No? Maybe? I have a bad vocabulary. *Nods*  
  
(I've been interrupted by one of Dee's stupid notes again... Oh well. Moving on. Meru is hogging the couch and snoring really loud, while Kongol is asleep on the floor and being used as a pillow by Dee. They wanted to stay up and see Santa Claus, but the poor fools fell asleep despite all the sugar they consumed. Haschel begins making his way back down the stairs to join them. He had been ordered to watch them so they didn't cause any trouble.)  
  
Haschel: (Muttering) Curse you Dart... Meru took the couch and now I have to sleep on the floor and I'll have back pains and be grouchy for Christmas! All because you made me watch--  
  
(Haschel's complaining is cut short when there is a thump on the roof, followed by footsteps.)  
  
Haschel: ... Stupid kids... Playing on the roof... Trying to make us believe they're "Santa Claus"... The guy doesn't even exist...   
  
(Haschel mutters things that should probably not be said on Christmas and makes his way outside.)  
  
***  
  
(Meanwhile, a sleigh being guided by eight reindeer lands on the roof. Onto the roof steps "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" himself.)  
  
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! Now to give the Dragoons and Dee just what they wanted so that their Christmas will be jolly! Ho ho ho!  
  
(Santa takes the gifts from his bag and makes his way over to the chimney just as Haschel steps out.)  
  
Haschel: Stupid kids... I'll teach you... OH MY SOA IT'S COLD!!   
  
Santa: Eh? (Looks down at Haschel.) Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!  
  
Haschel: (Shivering) Merry Christmas this!   
  
(Haschel, who has yet to get a good look at Santa, grabs a rather large rock from off the snow covered ground and hurls it at the one he believes is a "stupid kid".)  
  
Santa: (Notes the large rock flying at his head.) ...This won't end well.  
  
(Santa gets nailed right in the forehead, and tumbles down the side of the roof, falling off and into the snow. It is now that Haschel gets a good look.)  
  
Haschel: ...Wait a minute... No way... It can't be!  
  
Santa: Ho... Ho... Hoooooooo... (Passes out.)  
  
Haschel: Oh Soa! Santa does exist! And I killed him! (Looks around nervously.) What do I do?!  
  
(The door to the inn opens again and out step Meru, Dee, and Kongol, looking sleepy and only half awake.)  
  
Kongol: Kongol and girls hear footsteps on roof, then hear big thud and...  
  
(Kongol stops when he sees Santa on the ground unmoving.)  
  
Kongol: ... Umm... Haschel...? Is that...?  
  
Dee: (Also notices Santa and is now wide awake.) NOOOOOO!! SANTA'S DEAD!  
  
Meru: (Blinks) ...Santa...? (Walks over and pokes him.) Hello...? Santa? (Pokes him again.) Santa? (Pokes him yet again.) Santaaaaaa? (Poke.) SANTA?!  
  
(This continues for some time.)  
  
Dee: (Wails) HASCHEL KILLED SANTA! NOW I'LL NEVER GET GAMECUBE! WAAAAAAAAAAH--  
  
Haschel: (Puts a hand over Dee's mouth.) SSH! You want everyone to hear you?!  
  
Kongol: What we do now?!  
  
Dee: (Pushes Haschel's hand away.) There's only one thing to do!  
  
Haschel and Kongol: And that is?  
  
Dee: WE have to do Santa's job!  
  
Haschel: ...Why?   
  
Dee: Because how else are all the good children of the world gonna get their presents?!  
  
Kongol: Why don't we just take our presents and go back to sleep?  
  
Dee: Because that would be wrong and wouldn't go along with the cliché plot... DUH KONGOL!  
  
Haschel: (Sighs) Ok... Let's get this over with...  
  
Meru: (Poke) Santa? (Poke) Santa? (Poke) Santa? (Poke) Santa?  
  
***  
  
(The four are now on the roof. Don't ask me how they got there. Dee has decided to leave that to your imagination. Anyway...)  
  
Dee: Ok... We'll take turns giving people the presents!  
  
Meru: (Stares at this list.) There's a lot of people on this thing. We're totally not gonna finish in time!  
  
Dee: Sure we will! HAVE CONFIDENCE! (Gives a cheesy thumbs up.)  
  
Haschel: All right great. Let's give the others their presents now.   
  
Meru: OOH OOH! CAN WE OPEN OURS NOW?!  
  
Haschel: No.  
  
Meru: Aww... (Pouts)  
  
Haschel: Dee. You go.  
  
Dee: Why me?  
  
Kongol: This your idea.  
  
Dee: Fine fine...   
  
(A few moments later, Dee is in the Santa suit, playing with the little ball thing on the hat.)  
  
Dee: (Hits it back and forth.) OOOOOOOH! FUN! FIRST IT'S OVER HERE, NOW IT'S OVER HERE! WEEEEEEEEE!   
  
(Kongol picks Dee up and stuffs her down the chimney, followed by the presents.)  
  
Dee: Curse you, Kongol! (Hits the bottom, head first.) Oh... Ow... That's gonna leave a mark.   
  
(The poor midget is then hit by various presents.)  
  
Dee: (Stops herself from yelling out in pain and whispers instead.) ...Ow... My head... I need a helmet or something.   
  
(She stands and quietly makes her way over to the tree with the presents.)  
  
Dee: Ha... This is easy!  
  
(She spoke too soon apparently, because down the stairs comes Rose. Dee's eyes widen and she dives behind the couch.)  
  
Rose: (Muttering) Stupid Dee... Who does she think she is... Luring MY Lloyd under a mistletoe last night at the party... Tricky little short kid... I'll get her back for this one... Oh yeah... Sweet revenge... But first I need some milk... And sleep... Yeah... Sleep is good... Sleep good for Rosie...  
  
(Rose walks into the kitchen, leaving Dee staring in disbelief.)  
  
Dee: I didn't know Rose talked to herself... Or called herself "Rosie" for that matter... And she's still mad about THAT? Whatever.  
  
(Dee slips out of her hiding place, puts the gifts under the tree, and gets ready to climb back up the chimney when...)  
  
Rose: What the hell?  
  
Dee: EEK! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I DIDN'T MEAN TO STEAL LLOYD FROM YOU--I mean... Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!   
  
Rose: (Lifts a brow.) Dee... Why are you dressed like Santa?   
  
Dee: (Panicking) ...Dee? I'm not Dee! I'm Santa! (Really unconvincing laugh.) Ho ho... Ho!   
  
Rose: ...  
  
Dee: ... Really I am! Don't you remember? I brought you that teddy bear when you were four!  
  
Rose: (Eyes light up.) You remember?! Mr.Tickles was my favorite gift! (Childish giggle.)  
  
Dee: Umm... Yes... Anyway you're dreaming right now... So umm... Yeah...  
  
Rose: I am? Ok... Rosie go back to bed now! (Skips off.)  
  
Dee: ...Did someone spike the eggnog earlier when we weren't looking? I made that whole teddy bear thing up! I didn't know she REALLY had one...Wait... Blackmail! BWAHAHAHA!!  
  
(After Dee has finished cackling evilly, she climbs back up the chimney to joins the other three.)  
  
Haschel: Ok... So eleven down... A few hundreds more to go. Let's get out of here.  
  
Meru: OOH OOH! I WANNA BE A REINDEER!  
  
Haschel: ...Hmm...  
  
***  
  
(The sleigh is now flying around out of control, doing flips and making incredibly sharp turns.)  
  
Haschel: I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU DRIVE!  
  
Dee: WEEEEEEEE! LET'S GO UP NOW!   
  
(Dee tugs on the reins, and all the reindeer change their course so they're flying up... Completely vertical. They're being led by Meru, who's wearing plastic antlers and a red clown nose.)  
  
Meru: WEEEEEEEE! I SAY WE GO THIS WAY!  
  
(The sleigh then makes another sharp turn, and everything and everyone in it goes sliding to the side and smacks into it.)  
  
Kongol: EEEEEK! KONGOL SCARED!  
  
Dee: WOO HOO! THE RULES! FASTER! FASSSSSSSSTER!  
  
Meru: OK!  
  
Haschel: This isn't happening...   
  
(The sleigh makes another sharp turn and Haschel almost goes flying out, but grabs onto the back with his legs dangling off the side.)  
  
Haschel: MERU! STOP THAT!  
  
Meru: ...Dee did it!  
  
Dee: Did not!  
  
Meru: Did too!  
  
Dee: Did not!  
  
Meru: Did too!  
  
Kongol: TREE!   
  
(None of them had noticed that their altitude had steeply dropped, and by the time Kongol says something it's too late. They go flying through the tree, smacking into branches and getting covered with snow. Kongol ends up with a branch sticking out of his mouth, and Haschel now has a face full of snow.)  
  
Haschel: ACK! COLD!! COLD!!  
  
Dee: HA HA! TAKE THAT!  
  
Kongol: IVYHFDJKVHF! ... (Pulls the branch out of his mouth.) TELEPHONE LINE!  
  
(Everyone ducks, except for Dee who wasn't paying attention. She hits the telephone line which creates a sort of slingshot effect and goes flying out of the sleigh.)  
  
Dee: Is that supposed to happen?   
  
(Meanwhile... A little boy is up late, looking out his window and waiting for Santa to arrive.)  
  
Little Boy: Wow! I bet Santa will bring me a cool action figure!  
  
(Suddenly Dee is plastered up against the kids window. They both stare at each other and blink.)  
  
Dee: ...Hey there!  
  
Little Boy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THERE'S A SHORT TEENAGE GIRL ATTACHED TO MY WINDOW!!! SHE'S SCARY!!! (Runs out crying.)  
  
Dee: I think I've just been insulted?  
  
(The sleigh, now being driven by Haschel, flies over and stops next to Dee.)  
  
Haschel: You're a moron.   
  
Dee: I think I've just been insulted again?  
  
(Kongol peels Dee off the window and drops her back into the sleigh. They then take off.)  
  
Haschel: Ok... Just tell me who's on the stupid list!   
  
Dee: Umm... Kay. Let's see... (Looks) Nello.  
  
Kongol: Weird guy obsessed with plants?  
  
Dee: Yep.  
  
Kongol: Great...  
  
Meru: ...LET'S GO THIS WAY!  
  
All: NOOOOOOO!  
  
***  
  
(The sleigh finally lands on Nello's roof.)  
  
Haschel: I can't believe we got lost! It's all your fault!   
  
Meru: Is not! You were the one driving!  
  
Haschel: YOU were the one steering us in different directions randomly!  
  
Kongol: Kongol suggest we hurry up.  
  
Dee: Haschel. You're turn.  
  
Haschel: No.  
  
Dee: Yes.  
  
(Haschel sighs, no longer in the mood to argue, and gets into the suit.)  
  
Haschel: Ok. Give me the stupid gift... (Mutters) This is all Dart's fault...  
  
(Dee hands Haschel a huge plant in a tiny pot that it can barely fit in.)  
  
Haschel: This thing is heavy! I'm going to get a hernia!  
  
(Dee nods at Kongol, who then picks Haschel up and stuffs him down the chimney. The old man is smart enough to land on his feet.)  
  
Haschel: HA! TAKE THAT YOU OVERGROWN CAVEMAN!  
  
Kongol: (Yelling down the chimney.) Kongol heard that!  
  
Haschel You were supposed to!  
  
Dee: (Also yelling down the chimney.) Now now Haschel... Let's not be grumpy. You're Santa! YAAAAAAAY!  
  
Meru's Voice: WEEEEEEEEEEE! I'M A REINDEER!  
  
(The last comment is soon followed by a "thwack" noise and an "ow". Haschel sighs again and looks at the plant in his hands.)  
  
Haschel: What is this thing anyway? (Reads the tag hanging from the pot.) Really Big Venus Fly Trap Thing... I'd like to smack the guy who named this...  
  
Really Big Venus Fly Trap Thing: RAAAAAAAAAH! FOOOOOOOD!  
  
Haschel: ...That's not normal in any way.  
  
Really Big Venus Fly Trap Thing: HELLO OLD GUY! HOW ABOUT YOU STAY FOR DINNER? ... MY DINNER! BWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Haschel: Wow. That wasn't funny in the slightest.  
  
(The Really Big Venus Fly Trap thing then opens it's mouth really wide and bites down on Haschel's head. He screams and runs around flailing his arms about like a fool.)  
  
Haschel: GET IT OFF! GET IT OFFFFFFF!!  
  
(Nello then walks into the room, having been awakened by the yelling.)  
  
Nello: What's going on in here--SANTA?! IS THAT...? IT IS!! IT'S A REALLY BIG VENUS FLY TRAP THING! THANK YOU SANTA!  
  
(Nello pulls the rabid plant off Haschel's head with no problem and hugs it.)  
  
Nello: I will hug him and squeeze him and call him George!  
  
George: Hurrah!  
  
Haschel: ...I hate my life... Ho ho ho Merry Christmas blah blah blah... I'm going. (Climbs back up the chimney.) Ok... Who's next?  
  
Kongol: Person named... Wink.  
  
Dee: ...Wink... (Eye twitch.) Thinks she can have MY Lloyd...  
  
All: ...  
  
Dee: What?  
  
***  
  
(They're now hovering outside the window to Winks room in the Crystal Palace.)  
  
Haschel: Meru... You go. It'd probably be a really bad idea to send Dee, and Kongol's too busy being mesmerized by how the Crystal Palace "glows". (Shakes his head.)  
  
Dee: Stupid Wink... (Eye twitch.) Try to steal Lloyd... (Mutter)  
  
Kongol: Oooooh! Pretty!  
  
Meru: But I'm a reindeer! (Points to her big red nose.)  
  
Haschel: Well now your Santa.  
  
Meru: ...Kay.   
  
(Meru gets into the Santa suit and... Hey wait a minute... How is it that the suit fits everyone?)  
  
Dee: Fanfic magic, my friend.   
  
(I suppose I should've seen that one coming. Meru then grabs the gift for Wink and jumps through the window into the room, humming the James Bond theme.)  
  
Haschel: You're Santa Claus... Not James Bond.  
  
Meru: I'M SANTA BOND! SO HA!  
  
(Wow Dee. That was a really bad attempt at humor.)  
  
Dee: Shut your mouth. I'm running out of ideas! (Cries)  
  
(Meru looks around cautiously, and notes a small Christmas tree sitting on a table with various ornaments on it, all having something to do with Lloyd. The entire room is also filled with Lloyd merchandise.)  
  
Meru: Whoa! I think her obsession rivals Dee's!   
  
Dee: (From outside.) NEVER!!!  
  
Meru. What DID she get anyway?  
  
(Meru looks down at the gift in her hand, which is obviously a poster rolled up. She shrugs and opens it.)  
  
Meru: I wonder what it could b--   
  
(Meru gets a look at the poster and her mouth drops.)  
  
Meru: Oh... Wow... (Stares in shock.) Dee would LOVE to see this... I didn't think Santa gave gifts this... Err... Lacking.  
  
(After a few seconds, Meru jumps back out the window and lands in the sleigh.)  
  
Kongol: What Wink get?  
  
(Meru eyes Dee and whispers something to Kongol and Haschel.)  
  
Haschel: (Eyes widen.) Whoa! I didn't know Lloyd ever posed naked!  
  
Dee: WHAT?! WHERE?!  
  
***  
  
Haschel: All right... Next stop... Oh no... Kee's place... (Slams his head into the side of the sleigh.) Why Soa, why?  
  
Soa: BECAUSE YOU KILLED SANTA!  
  
Haschel: Oh... That's right. Anyway, your turn Kongol.  
  
Kongol: But Kongol don't want go into house of scary kid!  
  
Haschel: Well too bad.  
  
Meru: Hey Dee... Why does his name sound so much like yours?  
  
Dee: Long story.  
  
Meru: It is?  
  
Dee: No. I just don't feel like telling it.  
  
Meru: ...Oh... You suck.  
  
Dee: Yep.  
  
(They land on Kee's roof, and Haschel somehow manages to squeeze through the chimney holding various boxes of girl scout cookies and a really big marble.)  
  
Kongol: Kee strange. Ask for girl scout cookies and Dragoon spirit. Kee get big marble instead. He he. Joke on Kee.  
  
Kee: (Snores) BWAHAHAHA DEATH TO JOAN RIVERS!  
  
Kongol: ...  
  
Kee: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MARTHA STEWART IS THE DEVIL!  
  
Kongol: Kongol scared.  
  
Kee: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA COOOOOOOOOOOKIES! (Snores)  
  
Kongol: ...Ok... (Decides to just leave the gifts on the floor and begins walking back to the fireplace.)  
  
Kee: (Suddenly sits up.) I SMELL COOOOOOOOOOOKIES!! (Looks to Kongol.) Would you like a free trip to Chuck E. Cheese's?!  
  
Kongol: AHHHHHHHHH!! (Freaks out and climbs back up the chimney at an amazing speed.)  
  
Dee: What's your problem...  
  
(Dee is not answered as Kongol dives into the sleigh.)  
  
Kongol: GO! FLY! GET AWAY! KEE SCARY!  
  
Meru: ...You're a wimp, ya know?  
  
Kongol: HE THREATEN ME WITH CHUCK E. CHEESE AGAIN! RUUUUUUUUN!  
  
Dee: And I thought I was the biggest coward...  
  
Haschel: (As the sleigh takes off.) Ok... Next stop... Vyse, Aika, and Fina? Never heard of 'em...  
  
Dee: Those're the ones from "Skies of Arcadia" that randomly appear in my fics.  
  
Meru: Oh. Kinda like the Legaia people.  
  
Dee: Exactly.  
  
Kongol: KONGOL SCARRED FOR LIIIIIIIIFE!! (Cries)  
  
***   
  
(The four are now somehow in the world of Arcadia, and the sleigh is quickly approaching a floating island shaped like a crescent.)  
  
Dee: WEEEEEE! CRESCENT ISLE! YAY!  
  
Haschel: Very original name...  
  
Dee: I suppose you could've done better?  
  
Kongol: He he... Island shaped funny.  
  
Meru: WEEEEEEEE! I'M THE BEST REINDEER EVER!  
  
Other Reindeer: (Glare)  
  
(They land on the roof of one of the few buildings on the island and Dee jumps out holding the presents.)  
  
Dee: ...Ok... So Fina asked for... A picture of Vyse. Ok. Understandable I guess. And Aika... Also asked for a picture of Vyse. Ok... That's also quite understandable. Vyse asked for... A picture of Brittney Spears?!   
  
Readers: That's just wrong!  
  
Meru: Why ask Santa for a picture? Can't they just take them themselves?  
  
Dee: You forget that Arcadia is only going through the age of exploration. Cameras don't exist.  
  
Haschel: We're not supposed to have them either, yet we do...  
  
Dee: Fanfiction doesn't have to make sense!  
  
Haschel: In your world maybe.  
  
(Dee sticks her tongue out at Haschel and jumps down the chimney. She lands with a thud in the room where Vyse's crew of air pirates sleeps.)  
  
Dee: Umm... I'm in the wrong room.   
  
(The air pirates begin to wake up due to Dee's loudness.)  
  
Lawrence: The hell? Why is there a girl dressed like Santa standing there?  
  
Hans: OOH! IT'S SANTA!! MARCO WAKE UP! IT'S SANTA!  
  
Marco: (Yawns) What? Hans stop yell-- OH WOW! IT'S SANTA!  
  
Dee: ... (Lifts a brow.)  
  
Tikatika: He DOES exist!  
  
Don: Well DUH Tikatika!  
  
Pinta: He looks sort of... Feminine though.  
  
Dee: ...I'm scared.  
  
Merida: DO YOU HAVE OUR PRESENTS SANTA?! HUH HUH DO YA?!  
  
Lawrence: Umm... Guys... That's not Santa... That's a girl.  
  
(Everyone ignores him.)  
  
Dee: Uhh... I... Actually I only have for Vyse, Aika, and Fina.  
  
Air Pirates: ...What...?  
  
Marco: You didn't bring anything for us?!  
  
Kirala: HOW DARE YOU!  
  
Pow: Pow pow!  
  
(They all close in on Dee holding various weapons.)  
  
Dee: ...Oh this is SO getting you all on the naughty list.  
  
Haschel: (Yelling down the chimney.) HEY DEE! You forgot the presents for the crew!  
  
(He tosses them down, and Dee is soon buried in presents.)  
  
Dee: Ow... I'm gonna need some pain reliever for that one.  
  
Air Pirates: ...WEEEEEEE!   
  
(They all dive at the presents, practically ripping them apart. Dee is barely able to squeeze out of the madness.)  
  
Dee: Ok... Give these to Vyse, Aika, and Fina then I guess... (Stares at them and then tosses the three gifts into the mess.) HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! (Climbs back up the chimney.) I'm never going to look at any of them the same ever again. (Sighs)  
  
***  
  
Kongol: Who next?  
  
Haschel: Uhh... The Turks?  
  
Dee: SWEET!  
  
Haschel: And they are...?  
  
Dee: Really cool dudes from FFVII!  
  
Haschel: Wait a minute... Don't FFVII fans hate us?  
  
Dee: ...Well, yeah. But still.  
  
Kongol: ...Kongol hungry.  
  
(They land on the roof of the really big ShinRa HQ building thingy.)  
  
Meru: WHOA! This place is HUGE!  
  
Haschel: Maybe we should all go in...  
  
(A few moments later the four are inside the HQ. Dee is wearing the "Almighty Santa Suit of Death".)  
  
Haschel: Ok... We need to figure out where they're keeping the tree.  
  
Kongol: Sound easy... Kongol think.  
  
Meru: Let's go!  
  
Dee: WEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
(A few minutes later...)  
  
Dee and Meru: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WE'RE LOST WE'RE LOST WE'RE LOST WE'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!  
  
Haschel: SHUT UP ALREADY! DON'T PANIC!  
  
Kongol: KONGOL SCAAAAAAAARED!   
  
Haschel: I SAID DON'T PANIC!   
  
(Music that consists of nothing but drums, cymbals, and snapping sounds begins to play.)  
  
All: (Blink)  
  
(Into the room step Reno, Rude, and Elena.)  
  
Reno: Trespassers.  
  
Rude: Prepare to die.  
  
Elena: Umm... Yeah. What they said.  
  
All: ...  
  
Reno: (Gasps) IT'S SANTA!  
  
Rude: YAAAAAAAY!  
  
Elena: But wait! Who're the other three?  
  
Rude: They must be elves!  
  
Reno: But that guy's a pretty big elf...  
  
Elena: Maybe he took a lot of vitamins.  
  
Rude and Reno: Mhmm.  
  
Kongol: ...Kongol scared more.  
  
Haschel: I know Kongol. I know.  
  
Meru: Hey! I'm not an elf! IMA REINDEER!  
  
Dee: Umm... Merry Christmas? (Holds out the gifts.)  
  
Turks: YAY! (Snatch them.)   
  
Rude: YAY! A FURBY!  
  
Reno: COOL! I GOT A PIECE OF STYROFOAM! (Breaks it in half.) Ooooooh! Amazing!  
  
Elena: WOW! A PIECE OF LINT! I CAN NOW DIE HAPPY!  
  
Haschel: Can we go now?!  
  
Dee: One second... HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!  
  
Haschel: (Sighs) I hate my life.  
  
Meru: You shouldn't say that on Christmas.  
  
Haschel: (Eye twitch) I don't think reindeers are supposed to talk...  
  
***  
  
Dee: Who's next?  
  
Kongol: Drake the Bandit?  
  
Dee: Drake the Ban--Ohhhhh... He was that annoying boss!  
  
Haschel: I'm sure he was.   
  
Meru: (Pouts) We weren't there for that part of the game!  
  
(The sleigh lands on top of the... Shirley Shrine thingamajig.)  
  
Meru: My turn! Yay!   
  
Kongol: Kongol thought it was Haschel's tu--  
  
Haschel: Shut up Kongol. The less I have to do the better.  
  
(Meru jumps down to the entrance of the shrine.)  
  
Meru: ...Kay.   
  
(She wanders around until she finds the mine cart, which she rides about ten times. Drake has remodeled it so that whatever poor fool rides in it will end up in the water.)  
  
*Note* Unless it already did that... I don't remember. Oops?  
  
Meru: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Splash) IMA DO IT AGAIN! (Runs back.) WEEEEEEEEEEE! (Splash) AGAIN AGAIN! (Runs back.) WEEEEEEEEEEE!!  
  
(Back in the sleigh.)  
  
Kongol: What take Meru so long?  
  
Haschel: The idiot probably tripped over her own feet and hit her incredibly hard head on something and is probably lying on the floor unconscious.  
  
Dee: You're very mean.  
  
Haschel: Yes. Yes I am.  
  
(Back with Meru...)  
  
Meru: WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Splash) AGAIN! (Runs back.) WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Splash) ONE MORE TIME! (Runs back.) WEEEEEEEEE! (Splash) Ok I'm done.   
  
(Meru hops out of the water and continues until she comes to that staircase with the statues. She begins to walk up, only to have the stairs disappear and go sliding back down.)  
  
Meru: DUDE! THAT WAS AWESOME! I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN! (Runs back up.) WEEEEEEE! (The process continues.)  
  
(Back with the other three again.)  
  
Dee: She IS taking a really long time.   
  
Haschel: HA! I TOLD YOU I WAS RIGHT!  
  
Dee: Well I didn't say THAT...  
  
Kongol: Kongol suggest we leave without her.  
  
Haschel: Good idea. Let's go.  
  
Dee: No. Bad Haschel. Sit. Stay.  
  
Haschel: Make me.  
  
(...Right. I'm tired of their idiocy. Shall we switch scenes again? Meru has finally figured out which way the statues have to face, and is now at the area where the boss fight with Shirley took place.)  
  
Meru: Ok. Where's the tree?  
  
(Drake suddenly jumps out from the shadows and drops a bomb next to Meru.)  
  
Meru: This won't end well.  
  
(Big flashy explosion.)  
  
***  
  
Haschel: Soa she's slow!   
  
Kongol: KONGOL TIIIIRED!!  
  
Dee: (Yawns) We've only got a few more houses...  
  
Haschel: Well she better hurry up or she's getting a decking.  
  
(In typical cue like fashion, Meru jumps into the sleigh, looking all charred and beat up.)  
  
Dee: What happened to you?  
  
Meru: That Drake guy didn't like me too much. (Coughs out a small cloud of smoke.)  
  
Kongol: HA HA!  
  
Haschel: Can we just get these other houses over with?! (The sleigh takes off.) Ok... Next on the list is... (Stops short and stares.)  
  
Kongol: Haschel?  
  
Meru: The next stop is silence?  
  
Haschel: Oh Soa no... ANYBODY BUT HER!! (Sobs)  
  
Kongol: Who? (Looks at the list.) ... Kongol feel lightheaded. (Faints)  
  
Meru: What's the problem-- (Looks) NOOOOOO! (Hides behind the remaining gifts.)  
  
Dee: What is wrong with you people? (Looks) ...JOAN RIVERS?!   
  
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
  
***   
  
(The morons have finally finished after doing all those houses we weren't shown, and return to the inn. The sleigh lands on the roof and they step out looking exhausted.)  
  
Dee: I need sleep... Sleep good for Dee...  
  
Haschel: Remind me to never kill Santa again...  
  
Meru: Remind ME never to see Drake again...  
  
Kongol: Remind Kongol to eat something...  
  
(They're all magically on the ground now. They walk over to Santa.)  
  
Haschel: ...So what do we do with the body?  
  
Santa: I'm not dead, you idiots!  
  
Dee: HE TALKED!  
  
Meru: ZOMBIE SANTA!  
  
Kongol: EEEEEEK!  
  
Santa: All I needed was some aspirin and I would've been fine! (Stands up.)  
  
Haschel: Oh... Umm... (Smacks Dee upside the head.) WHAT WERE YOU THINKING HITTING SANTA WITH A ROCK?!  
  
Dee: OW! (Cries)  
  
Santa: Nice try Haschel. I saw you do it.  
  
Haschel: Crap.  
  
Santa: I'll let you off easy this time, because you four DID save Christmas.  
  
All: YAY!  
  
Santa: Now I'm going to go back to the North Pole and down myself a bottle of vodka! Christmas is so stressful! HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!   
  
(Santa is now on the roof, using the same magical method as the others, and takes off in his sleigh with a jolly laugh.)  
  
All: ...  
  
Haschel: Well THAT was odd.  
  
(Oh God. Not that again.)  
  
Meru: At least we only said it once this time.  
  
(Yeah. I'll give you that.)  
  
Kongol: So... We did Santa's job for nothing?  
  
Haschel: Go figure.  
  
Meru: (Shrugs) I got to be a reindeer!  
  
Dee: (Yawns) Oh well... Can we go inside and sleep now?!  
  
***  
  
(Christmas morning... Dart and the others walk downstairs to find Haschel, Kongol, Meru, and Dee already awake. The poor fools couldn't sleep. HA HA!)  
  
Dee: Oh shut up.   
  
Rose: I had the strangest dream last night... Dee was dressed like Santa and said something about bringing me a teddy bear named Mr.Tickles... Not that I REALLY have one... Of course not... That would be childish and stupid... (Looks around nervously.)  
  
Lloyd: (Mumbling) I had a nightmare about me, Dee, and that stupid mistletoe... (Shudders)   
  
Dart: That's odd. I had a dream that Haschel killed Santa, and then he, Kongol, Meru, and Dee had to save Christmas and did Santa's job, only to find out that Santa wasn't really dead and they didn't have to do it in the first place.  
  
All: Strange.  
  
(The four look to each other.)  
  
Haschel: Umm... Yeah. Real crazy dream.  
  
Kongol: Yeah...   
  
Meru: Yup... Crazy...  
  
Dee: Uh huh...  
  
(They look to each other and laugh nervously.)  
  
***  
  
Vahn: Can you beleive it?! We were once again left out of one of these fics!  
  
Noa: Umm. Vahn. We're in this one too. See?  
  
Vahn: ...Ah crap.  
  
Gala: Go figure. Again.  
  
***  
  
Cast of TLoNP: MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! (Wave)  
  
END! 


End file.
